Tom Smyth
McSWEENEY'S
THE NEW YORKER
​We Are Excited to Offer These Affordable Broadway Ticket Options
Increasingly Inconvenient MTA Service Advisories
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I Am Whoville’s Only Home Insurance Provider, and I Am So Screwed
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How to Write a Book That Nicole Kidman Will Turn into a Limited Series
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Oh Dear God, We Forgot to Let P!nk Down
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Table Options for Your Dinner Reservation
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Emails from My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule an Appointment
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A Marketing Consultant Visits Mrs. Lovett’s Pie Shop
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This Woman in Labor Is Gonna Love My Drumming
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Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA's Strike Rules
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Excerpts from Ina Garten's 'Anarchist Cookbook'
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We're Sorry, You Can't Join Our Street Gang Because You Don't Know Ballet
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Oprah's Tell-All Interviews with Other Princesses
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Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz
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The Nativity Pageant Cast List That Ensures Every Child Has a Role
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We Must Stop Democrats From Stealing This Election by Trying to Count Votes
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Billy Joel’s “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant That Closed Due to Coronavirus”
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Donald Trump Reinterprets Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides, Now”
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Billy Joel Plays “Piano Man” for the First Time At the Bar He Based the Song On
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Other Elton John Songs That Donald Trump Uses to Refer to World Leaders
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Here at Fox News We Have No News to Report, So Enjoy These Images of Tropical Fish
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Female-Only Wonder Woman Screenings Are Trying to Radicalize Our Women to Fight With Their Forearms
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Without a Free Press Where Would I Get Real Housewives Episode Recaps?
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Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God
I'm the Person 'Your Song' by Elton John Was Written For, And I Would Like a Real Gift Instead
How to Snag Your Favorite Celeb's Must-Have Accessories
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THE ONION
(Headline & Features Contributor)
REDUCTRESS
I'm a Method Actor and My Method is Being Rude to the Cast and Crew
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(Selected Headlines)
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Woman Ignores To-Do List to Cast a Hypothetical ‘Wicked’ Movie Instead
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Five Gorgeous Engagement Rings That Are Almost as Expensive as One Container of Cashews
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Everybody Wants the Dolly Parton Vaccine, but What About the One by the Frontman of Train?
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How to Romanticize Your Amazon Purchase by Picturing Frances McDormand in ‘Nomadland’
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Wow! This Hero Dog is Able to Detect Cancer Using Only an MRI Machine
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Our Generation’s Fran Lebowitz? This Woman’s Coat is Too Big
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This Door Frame Pull-Up Bar is Perfect for Discovering You Can’t Do a Pull-Up
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Why I’m Leaving New York (There’s a Fly in My Apartment and I Can’t Catch Him)
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BREAKING: My Slippery-Ass Glassware
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BREAKING: Mom Wants to See Another Movie Told From Perspective of Dog
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QUIZ: Is Today the Day You Just Do It and Eat All Six English Muffins?