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McSWEENEY'S

THE NEW YORKER

​We Are Excited to Offer These Affordable Broadway Ticket Options

 

Increasingly Inconvenient MTA Service Advisories

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I Am Whoville’s Only Home Insurance Provider, and I Am So Screwed

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How to Write a Book That Nicole Kidman Will Turn into a Limited Series

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Oh Dear God, We Forgot to Let P!nk Down

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Table Options for Your Dinner Reservation

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Emails from My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule an Appointment

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A Marketing Consultant Visits Mrs. Lovett’s Pie Shop

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This Woman in Labor Is Gonna Love My Drumming

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Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA's Strike Rules

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Excerpts from Ina Garten's 'Anarchist Cookbook'

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We're Sorry, You Can't Join Our Street Gang Because You Don't Know Ballet

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I’m the Judge Who Approved the Custody Arrangement in The Parent Trap, But in My Defense, I Didn’t Think They Would Go to the Same Camp

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Oprah's Tell-All Interviews with Other Princesses

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Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz

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The Nativity Pageant Cast List That Ensures Every Child Has a Role

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We Must Stop Democrats From Stealing This Election by Trying to Count Votes

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Billy Joel’s “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant That Closed Due to Coronavirus”

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I Keep Checking My Mailbox for My Stimulus Check, But I’m Only Getting Time-Traveling Letters from Keanu Reeves in The Lake House

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I Don’t Think a Woman Is Electable In 2020 Because Last Time Around the Female Nominee Only Got Three Million More Votes Than Her Opponent

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“Cancel Culture” Is Dangerous Because Everybody Deserves Redemption and the Right to Work, Except Actresses Who Turn 40

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I Haven’t Even Started Thinking About Running for President in 2020, Despite What Those Campaign Buttons I Made Might Suggest

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Donald Trump Reinterprets Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides, Now”

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Billy Joel Plays “Piano Man” for the First Time At the Bar He Based the Song On

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Other Elton John Songs That Donald Trump Uses to Refer to World Leaders

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Here at Fox News We Have No News to Report, So Enjoy These Images of Tropical Fish

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Female-Only Wonder Woman Screenings Are Trying to Radicalize Our Women to Fight With Their Forearms

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Without a Free Press Where Would I Get Real Housewives Episode Recaps?

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I’m Not Stuck in a Liberal Bubble Anymore Because I Just Watched All Five Seasons of Friday Night Lights

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THE ONION

(Headline & Features Contributor)

 

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